I Got A Crush On Gravel
The top-tier Presidential candidates are already boring me. As is the current news cycle; an endless loop of Paris “Ho” Hilton and the Immigration “if you aren’t for this scam, you are a bigot” Shamnesty debacle. At last, I found something, rather someone, to cure my malaise.
I have a crush on Gravel. Senator Mike Gravel, who is a Democrat Presidential Candidate, much to even their chagrin. I like him! This could be because I see myself turning into him when I’m dreadfully old, horrendously crotchety and hating the entire World. Except without the penis. Oh yeah, and without the bat shit crazy part. *fingers crossed*
In any event, I am loving this guy and not just for the humour aspect of his absolutely brilliant, Andy Kaufman-esque campaign ad, featured in the YouTube clip above, alone. Which ad, by the way, Hottie Gravel did attempt to explain on some Sunday talk shows, muttering some inanity (or insanity. Either works for him) about metaphors and crap. Whatever. Just keep being completely bonkers and a curmudgeon. That’s all I care about. I don’t want explanations. You’ll ruin the moment.
Ass kicking ads aside, he also does truly rock in the debates, uttering the best one-liners EVER and he appears to be constantly pissed off, which, again, is like looking in the mirror. I already declared him the winner, with Kucinich a close second, of the first Democrat Presidential Debate on MSNBC. Speaking of which, I’ve heard tell that Nader and Kucinich are raging that Gravel is so clearly upstaging them and stealing their whack job thunder. Another reason to love him.
I am now declaring him the winner as well for the second debate on CNN. Wolfie Blitzer asked for a show of hands in support of English as the official language. Obama objected “It’s divisive!” Hillary shrieked something about “then we couldn’t have translators in hospitals or ballots in Spanish” (????) and the always irrelevant Dodd mumbled something about diversity. Gravel was the lone hand raiser and you could almost hear him grumpily muttering to himself “If I have to speak that damn English bullshit than so does everyone else. Screw them!” Later, Blitzer asked about there being room for President Bill Clinton in any future administrations and Gravel growled out “I’ll use him as a traveling goodwill ambassador. He can take his wife with him, she’ll still be in the Senate.” MEOW, Sir. Kudos!
Besides the humour, maybe we need a truly crazy bastard for a President. I, for one, think it is long over-due. He’d scare the bejeezus out of the little man from Iran (I can’t ever remember how to spell his name and I’m too lazy to google it. Plus, I refuse to give him even that much power over me. Little man will suffice). He’d take one look at him and DRAG United Nation nuclear inspectors into Iran. No explanation besides “Allah, that Gravel is 3 tacos short of a combo” necessary. And, no, Senator Graham, a taco reference is not bigoted.
He also doesn’t seem to be all into that Global Warming religious cult thing. In his second campaign ad, he shows us all how to start a large fire and release carbon greenhouse gases needlessly and with vigor! Refreshing! Also refreshing…….he campaigns in DORM ROOMS. You think I must be kidding, right? Guess again! It just goes to show how well he knows his target constituency and which side his bread is buttered. Crazy like a fox! Guaranteed he brought some “party favors” with him as well. What’s not to love?
I’m off to dust off the video camera and film my own “I Got a Crush on Gravel” video. Later!