Real Housewives of DC: a primer
I’ve been waiting all summer for this. All my adult life really. Every minute of every hour of every day has been but mind numbing busywork, passing the time leading up to this moment. THE moment. The premiere of the “Real Housewives of DC” on Bravo. Mark Burnett was born to make reality shows that would make reality shows really popular so that this show would be made… for me, for you, for America.
So much divides us. and that is so very sad. It’s not what the Founding Fathers intended. Just last week as I was paying for a funnelcake (or as I call them, freedomcakes) I was moved to see a single tear fall from George Washington’s eye on the dollar bill I was using. OK, maybe it was powdered sugar. Or maybe God used powdered sugar to get my attention. Who knows? I’m thinking with my heart again. What I do know is that there is no hope for this nation if we can’t come together on common ground. And why can’t mocking these silly women and their silly lives be that common ground? C’mon, let’s meet the ladies:
Catherine Ashley Ommanney: Foreigner, soon to be ex-wife of a Newsweek photographer. BOO! What kind of a name is “Ommanney”? Like, “Oh man, that Ommanney lady is such a drag.” I think she’s the one in the ads that says, “Boring is something DC is not.” But she pronounces it “nawt”. Blech. I think we should all get together and just hate the bejeesus out of her.
Stacie Scott Turner: Her husband used to work for the mayor of DC. She went to Howard and Harvard. She used to work for BET. Now she’s a realtor with 2 kids. My best friend from high school is a realtor with 2 kids. Her name is Amy. She named her dog after Al Gore’s wife. (Sadly, I’ve just learned that Tipper had to be put down yesterday.)
Lynda Erkiletian: She’s the oldest, a divorced mother of four who owns a modeling agency. I’m bored.
Mary Schmidt Amons: Socialite. I think that’s code for housewife. Hey, I’m a socialite too! She and her husband have 5 kids. BREEDER! Her oldest is named Lolly. Darn, I might like this one. Wait, she might be the one that said the thing about DC not being boring. I can’t tell from blondes.
And last but not least,
Michaele Salahi: Not ringing a bell. I have no idea how to pronounce that first name, but I imagine we’ll find out. Her bio at Bravo says, “Michaele has met numerous political leaders across the globe.” Gee, I wonder who. She worked at Nordstrom before she got married in 2003. Big deal. I worked at Office Depot before I got married in 2002. The scuttlebutt is she has boundary issues.
Now you know. Tonight (and I’m assuming every Thursday) on Bravo 9/8 CST (Chicago gets everything first). Don’t forget. They hardly ever re-air these things. I’ll be live-tweeting using the hashtag #rhtcot (real housewives of tcot, which would be a better show) and post recaps on fridays. Cuz that’s my funday, my I’m too drunk to run-day.