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Not Shocking News: Man is obsessed with breasts. Shocking part: He is trying to quit them

March 13, 2010

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(Cross-posted at

Yes, that’s right. A man admits he’s powerless over The Breasts. Or, what I like to call The Power of the Rack ™.

I need help.

For too long I’ve endangered my good name, made an idiot of myself and generally debased my own character on a daily basis.

Because of breasts.

No matter how many breasts I might see or how many I’m lucky enough to touch, the second they’re gone, I forget what they looked like, felt like, and I become inexplicably, dark-magically obsessed with them again. It’s like I have sensory amnesia. Oh, look at that woman’s wonderful breasts! I wonder what they look like?

Oddly, he has embarked upon a plan to rid himself of said obsession. I wonder if there is a 12 step program for that?

It has to end. I must become Spartacus to Breasts’ Rome. Here is my plan.

No More Sunglasses.
I don’t stare at woman’s breasts, unless I’m wearing sunglasses. You know what? That’s not cool. No more. For years I’ve allowed myself to search out those two sacks of adipose tissue beneath your button-downs, dancing inside your dresses, tight against your T-shirts, cloaked under your coats — all while hiding behind a pair of aviators. I may be on my way to a court hearing where I’m the defendant, but I’ll be eyeballing a woman on the A train, unconsciously crumpling up the summons in my hand.

No longer. Sunglasses remove any roaming charges and make it safe to stare. And thus the looking at the boobs only makes me think about boobs more, which then makes me act on their behalf. No more sunglasses, no more unfettered boob access.

Read the rest of his plan here. All is not lost, however. He has now deemed himself an ass man. Thus, keeping his man card in good standing, I hope!

Via Linkiest

(Cross-posted at

4 Comments leave one →
  1. March 13, 2010 1:47 am

    If loving boobies is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

    Still, I can manage to mind my manners.


  2. March 13, 2010 7:53 am

    Oh yeah, he’s an ass, man!

    ( /rimshot )

  3. Dell permalink
    March 13, 2010 9:38 am

    I suffer the same malady.

    But, it’s easily explained; as I’ve done so many times before. I was adopted, and therefore missed out on that “nursing thing” that most all babies enjoyed during their first months (even years!) on this planet. I’m pleased to say I’m gaining rapidly on that lost latch-time. And, I’ve found that most women enjoy the attention far more than they’re willing to openly admit!! Especially those who were short-changed in the size department. They crave and appreciate the special attention as much, if not more, than those with ample assets.

  4. Amy Lee permalink
    April 23, 2010 12:30 am

    oh my gosh Woody Allen is a dirty old man! =D lol this picture cracks me up!

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