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Brown-Nosing Made Easier With a Journalistic Shoehorn!

December 13, 2009

We thought that we’d help the “Press” out a bit, being in the giving spirit of the holidays and all. Since they’ve made it quite apparent that they wish to insert Obama into every story imaginable, no matter how irrelevant or how much of a non sequitur, we figured we’d at least make it easier for them. Maybe if they had more time, they would be able to cover real stories like Climategate and Fistgate (or Fistravaganza, as I like to call it. It’s fun and snappy! *jazz hands*) Once again, private citizens doing the job the Press doesn’t want to do. Sigh, our work is never done!

They already have the gift guides covered and learned on their own how to insert Obama into those, under the guise of “diversity sensitivity.” Who cares if it is actually blatantly racist? They got Obama in there and isn’t that all that really matters? We also suggest doing some stories on the rigors and stress of mid-term exams. They can then work in history which leads, obviously, into sycophantic praise of The Most Historic Man Evah!

Next, perhaps the usual holiday fare: stories about New Year’s Resolutions. Then, they could insert proposed resolutions like “I resolve to dress horrendously and use other people’s money to flit off on cross-country dates, so that I can become more “impossibly elegant” — like the Obamas” or “I resolve to spout empty rhetoric and meaningless platitudes — like President Obama” or maybe even “I resolve to bow deeply to everyone that I see for no discernible reason whatsoever – much like President Obama.”

Finally, they can do a series on household budgeting. That one is easy. All they’d have to do is suggest this: “Follow the example of The Smartest Man Alive ™ and spend more than you earn. You need to spend more than you have in order to avoid bankruptcy.” A similar phrase can be used for any stories about holiday blues and risks of alcohol abuse: ” As President Obama’s brilliant policy of doing what appears to make the least sense (for we regular unenlightened folks), let us be clear, you need to drink more in order to avoid becoming an alcoholic.”

See? It’s easy enough, which is why even the buffoons known as Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann can do it!

Merry Christmas, Press!

Courtesy of

Originally / cross-posted at

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