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Proposed Abstinence Curriculum: Sex Tapes as Reverse Porn

October 25, 2009
Courtesy of BigFurHat/iOwnTheWorld.com

Courtesy of BigFurHat/iOwnTheWorld.com

As I wrote yesterday, rumors have surfaced about a Letterman sex tape and, if true, I do not wish to see it.  In fact, I’d pay cash money in order to ensure that I never do. Unfortunately, it brought to my mind other sex tapes I don’t wish to see. Tapes that would act as reverse porn, causing the viewer to have a negative Pavlovian response and run screeching from the room:

Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins:   Firstly, they are both repulsively unattractive. Secondly, the screams of “Oh yea, that’s it…..Bush is a Fascist Pig” and “Bush Lied, People Died…give it to me Tim” would be really annoying.

Rosie O’Donnell and her wife:   And I think most men would surely agree. It may be the only time when men wouldn’t want to see girl on girl action. Well, manatee on girl action.

Bill Clinton & any of his chicks:  (Which obviously doesn’t include Hillary because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have internal genitalia.) Bill’s lip biting and crying would be far too distracting to be of any use as actual porn.

Mitt Romney and his wife:  Only because I feel quite secure in guessing that he would be a little stiff and not in a good way. I don’t think he ever does anything that entails messing up his hair (it is FREAKISHLY perfect.)

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie:  While they are both obviously hot, I have the disturbing feeling that they are so hippie-ish, open and “in touch with their feelings” that they likely have a family bed and, thus, their 18 kids would be there. Which is both icky and self-defeating. There is nothing more mood killing than a kid — worse is a battalion of them.

Al and Tipper Gore: Fairly obvious; boring, thy name is Al Gore. Plus, Tipper would be frantically censoring everything and slapping warning labels everywhere.

Harry Reid and his wife:  I’m pretty sure he dresses up as a “sissy baby”. *shudders*

Keith Olbermann:  Another one whose “O” face would cause me to convulse in the bad way. The cries of “Who is your Edward R. Morrow?” and “I’m the Naughtiest Boy in the World, SIR” would be vastly disturbing as well.

Janeane Garofalo:  And nobody. While the fact that no one would join her seems to be a blessing and an indication that a sex tape would never surface, I think she’s used to doing things solo. You can imagine what THAT would entail.  Oh, so very icky.

President Obama and Michelle:  Have you seen his dance moves? Enough said.

I’m sure there are more, but that’s just the list off the top of my head. I propose such images be discussed in sex ed classes as a way to promote abstinence.  Believe me, it would work.  I’m thinking of taking a vow myself!

See what I think about so y’all don’t have to?  You’re welcome. Now I’m off to scour my mind’s eye.

19 Comments leave one →
  1. Reiuxcat permalink
    October 25, 2009 7:29 pm

    Chris Matthews and himself with his tingle.

  2. October 25, 2009 8:05 pm

    Geezus II. Must you ruin my night for the second night in a row?

    • snarkandboobs permalink*
      October 25, 2009 8:28 pm

      Hee hee. Of course I must. Hello? I’m an evil conservative!

      • October 26, 2009 8:47 am

        Not that I was trying to one up you, but I came up with the Top 10 Kevin Jennings Pick Up Lines over my way yesterday, and they are equally evil.

  3. My2Cents permalink
    October 25, 2009 8:28 pm

    Mr. and Mrs. Romney would be a bit creepy, as I suspect they do it with their clothes on (or at least their Mormon underwear…not that there’s anything really odd about that).

    • Reiuxcat permalink
      October 25, 2009 8:47 pm

      If he’s a Mormon, I wanna know which Mrs Romney?

  4. John Collins permalink
    October 25, 2009 8:57 pm

    Rachel Madcow and Olberdoofus would be some nasty man(?)-on-man(?) action

    • Reiuxcat permalink
      October 25, 2009 10:55 pm

      only if Keith brought his strap-on…..podameter (not really)

  5. thetownecrier permalink
    October 26, 2009 1:22 am

    ” There is nothing more mood killing than a kid — worse is a battalion of them.”

    A batallion really did drive that point home.

    Funny!

  6. Bob permalink
    October 26, 2009 12:07 pm

    My plan for forced abstinance:
    librally (Ha!) publish textbooks with full page pics of janine barfalo and rosie odonnel-it’ll take the sex drive right outta those darn adolescents!

  7. October 27, 2009 3:38 am

    Your list utterly grossed me out… So I think you are quite correct in what most of us do NOT want to see.

    Why am I now picturing N. Pelosi in a leather dominatrix outfit, too tight, wrinkly & hag-faced standing over a partner wearing that guy-in-the-trunk, policeman toy/sodomy outfit in pulp fiction? ya know, the one Bruce Willis’ character kills when he saves the dude getting raped….

    …. shudder….

    ok, now I’ve grossed myself out completely…. I am gonna have nightmares tonight

  8. October 27, 2009 3:16 pm

    …aaand I’m traumatized. Especially after that last comment. Now I bet I can’t even watch TV without throwing up a little in my mouth if one of the above pops up somehow.

  9. mcnorman permalink
    October 29, 2009 12:08 am

    You might want to consider using this post as an advertisement for “birth control.”
    Really, the visuals kill.

  10. October 29, 2009 4:47 pm

    Hee hee. Of course.. Nice topic thank you..

  11. chris g permalink
    November 9, 2009 11:54 pm

    I think that Geddy Lee would trump anyone on this list.

  12. January 13, 2010 5:16 pm

    Really good thank you

  13. January 13, 2010 5:16 pm

    thank you dude

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