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Smeaton, How About Setting Aboot America? We’ll send back Becks and Posh in Exchange

September 26, 2009


Partly because he’s super hot and I’d like him to set aboot ME, but mostly because he’s super awesome.

From The Scottish Sun

PEOPLE’S champion John Smeaton last night vowed to “set aboot Parliament” – as he launched an ambitious bid to become a Westminster MP.

Smeato is battling to succeed shamed MP Michael Martin – who was forced to quit as Commons Speaker in the wake of the MPs’ expenses scandal.

Last night the Scottish Sun columnist said: “Like most folk, I’m sick, fed-up and really angry with our politicians. “It’s time to stand up for the ordinary person and make a real difference.”

Smeato has joined forces with the new political movement The Jury Team – which is bankrolling candidates across the UK.  It will see the 33-year-old, from Erskine, Renfrewshire, slug it out with all the major parties in the Labour stronghold. [snip]

Smeato became a worldwide hero when he helped tackle the suicide bombers during the Glasgow Airport terror attack on June 30, 2007.

His catchphrase “This is Glasgow – we’ll set aboot ye” was a huge internet hit around the world, and he was awarded the Queen’s Gallantry Medal by Her Majesty last year.

But he says his anger over expense-fiddling politicians made him determined to stand as an MP. He said: “Even when they were caught out claiming for things like mortgages which had been paid off, they then write cheques for several thousands of pounds as if it was nothing.

“I’ve been an ordinary working-class bloke all my life and I can’t afford to write huge cheques willy nilly. And it’s our money in the first place.

“The big parties treat us all with utter contempt.” [snip]

And Smeato insists that’s what attracted him to The Jury Team – because the anti-sleaze movement is not affiliated to any party.  He said: “The Jury Team are an organisation that are there to help people like me, who want to have our voices heard and make a difference.

“They want independent people in parliament and have made it possible for me to stand. “Like me they are as disgusted by how our politicians are just there to serve themselves.”

The keen historian added: “Parliament has always been better off when it’s had independent members.”The abolition of the slave trade and the building of the railways was all done in Parliament by private members bills.

“Independents like me can stand up for what we really believe in.

Huh. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? We could use him here, for our Movement.  We are also in sore need of cajones in the political arena. Smeaton clearly has them and isn’t afraid to show them. And not just because you don’t wear underwear under a kilt.

Thus, I propose a trade-off.  It seems to me, we need Smeaton, but we do not need Becks and Posh. In fact, I don’t believe we even *want* Becks and Posh. I base this on thorough research that I had performed prior to their long-lauded arrival. I was spurred into action by the omnipresent “Countdown Clocks” that had led up to the allegedly long-awaited accession of Becks and Posh, inspired by the fact that a segment on Best Week Ever, I believe, had dared to say that perhaps the countdowns were redundant, as no one really gave a rat’s arse. At the time, I jumped up and yelled “Amen, Brother!” Sadly, I do mean this literally.


So, I embarked on a quest to do my own Becks and Posh excitement level survey. A scientific, random sampling, of course. Granted, the sampling was the 3 deli counter chicks at Bi-Lo, the Moms (and lone Dad) at my daughter’s cheer leading class (it is the South and required. I draw the line at beauty pageants, however) and the people on my cul de sac. Including my  BFF  at the time (best friend forever, for those of you not stuck in the ’80s) specifically, my neighbor man who had chased a snake out of my garage and then literally, physically patted me on the head and said “Now don’t you worry yur purty lil head.”

His response, incidentally, to my Becks and Posh inquiry was, and I quote, “We don’t need no more hoity toity fancy talkers. We have ’nuff of them up Nawth (north). No offense, honey”.  He then muttered something about South Carolina having the right idea seceding from the Union and that it may be time to put that back on the table. God, I love that man.

So, clearly, that was one resounding Nay vote. The 3 deli chicks all said “Do Wha’?”, which I think loosely translates to Who?  The moms at cheer leading were split between apathy and outrage at that “anorexic bitch”, who “needs a good helping of pecan pie”, and her “uppity ways.” (This was prior to everything and anything  being Racist ™. Though, I’m sure they must be, as they are Southern. Right, Maureen Dowd?)  The lone Dad said “I don’t care much for that soccer business”.

At the time, I found not a single soul that was looking forward to the much lauded arrival day. Therefore, I could only conclude that there was a conspiracy, hatched by the British desperate to rid themselves of the pair, to convince us that we actually WANTED those two here. Well, we didn’t buy it then, and we don’t buy it now.  Please; he can’t even get tattooed correctly and she looks like Xenu of Scientology fame. Meow.

As such, I believe it would be rather fitting if we pay them back by RETURNING Becks and Posh and instead steal Smeaton from them. To use in our second round of Tea parties and our latest Revolution.  They should be familiar with Tea Parties and American Revolutions, thus, they should understand our need. (maniacal, yet girlish, laughter)

Thanks in advance, Britain! Again!

13 Comments leave one →
  1. September 26, 2009 2:35 pm

    Smeaton damn near bloody died of a respiratory illness a year or so ago. Glad the tosser pulled through.

    They need him over there, Britain will be gone soon, if they keep on as they are going. Did anyone see the hotel owners arrested for arguing with a Muslim couple about religion?

    Unfathomable. Daft. ‘Strodin’ry.

    • snarkandboobs permalink*
      September 26, 2009 2:39 pm

      That is true. I fear it may be too late for Britain, though (my entire family on my Mom’s side still live in Scotland, so I hope I’m wrong).

      It’s not too late for us, I don’t believe. So, y’all are going to have to be American versions of Smeaton. Deal?

  2. September 26, 2009 3:18 pm

    Deal, oh exalted chesty one.

    One thing about the Brits, though, is you can never, never count them out. As long as there’s an ounce’s worth of fight left in them, they can still set everything right again.

    Where d’ye think we get it from, lass?

    • snarkandboobs permalink*
      September 26, 2009 4:20 pm

      Where d’ye think we get it from, lass?

      Och, aye. Too right!

      I feel better now. And not just because I’m saving that youtube clip of Smeaton for “later”. Heh.

  3. September 26, 2009 3:35 pm

    Never heard of him….but I already like him better than my mother…

    Please though, keep in mind that this war has raged between we and Britain since they stole Jimi Hendrix from us…

    After sordid decades of exchanging celebrity V2 rockets like Richard Dawson, they finally inspired a cease fire when we realized the depth of their conviction by launching Sting directly at our west coast… The humanity…

    All was quiet for a while, then, out of bitterness over that whole “burning down the whitehouse” thing in 1812, we escalated exponentially to Nagasaki levels by unashamedly dropping the Madonna Bomb on their shores, then compounded it with the mysterious cockney accent she had after one week….

    This has been a long…bitter war… But this could be a peace offering that extends and olive branch across the Atlantic …finally…

    (as long as they keep Bono on that island of his)

    * one of the funniest reads in a long-time by the way, great job =)

    • snarkandboobs permalink*
      September 26, 2009 4:23 pm

      one of the funniest reads in a long-time by the way, great job =)

      Yeah, um… but you totally upstaged me with the rest of your comment, dammit! Not very gentlemanly of you! 😛

  4. September 26, 2009 3:41 pm

    Smeaton, terrorist foil:


  5. September 26, 2009 4:23 pm

    I was wondering what happened to him after he whupped terrorist arse over there! Didn’t know he almost died, that is scary. So glad he’s still with us.

    I agree S&B, return Posh & Becks, bring us Hannon, Smeaton, & would LOVE to see Margaret Thatcher. Haven’t heard much from her in years.


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