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Happy Father’s Day……..NOT?

June 21, 2009

(the picture is my gift to all Dads on Father’s Day. Two of your favorite things; beer and bare breasts. Too bad she isn’t holding a sammich too!)

Happy Father’s Day……..NOT? Or so says the increasingly irrelevant and desperate for attention periodical, Time Magazine. I read this article two Father’s Days ago and while I’ve read similar ones since because, heaven forbid we actually extol any virtues of Evil Men (tm thingie), this in particular continues to irk me immensely and has stuck in my craw (plus “Titi Monkey” makes me giggle like Beavis and Butthead). In this oh-so-heartwarming Father’s Day article, two female scientists (hmm, do you think they may be of the dreaded Feminist persuasion?) claim Dads don’t deserve a Father’s Day.

The folks at Hallmark are going to have a very good day on June 17. That’s when more than 100 million of the company’s ubiquitous cards will be given to the 66 million dads across the U.S. in observation of Father’s Day. Such a blizzard of paper may be short of the more than 150 million cards sold for Mother’s Day, but it’s still quite a tribute. What’s less clear is whether dads–at least as a group–have done a good enough job to deserve the honor.

That’s right, Dads. You suck. The Titi Monkey is better than you are, for goodness sake! They hold their babies for 90% of the time! Granted, they don’t have things like jobs, mortgages to pay, food to buy or the ability to think and reason, but still. They HOLD the babies! Priorities, dudes.

Not only that, but the completely unbiased, non-agenda driven (cough cough) Childrens Defense Fund says you are all either total deadbeats or you spend more time in the bathroom than you do with your children. Funny, but I see Dads EVERYWHERE with their children. Even attending cheer leading class with their daughters which they can’t possibly enjoy. Or at least can’t admit to enjoying. Yet, they are there. Week after mind-numbing week. This, after working 40 plus hours, commuting to and from said work, taking care of the garbage and lawns and spider killing and gutters and all that other icky man stuff. It seems to me that most Dads these days are more involved with their children than ever before. Many even personally witness the actual birth, which has to be rather disconcerting to say the least. OK, not just disconcerting but downright traumatizing.

Yet, the Titi monkey is still better, according to the “scientists” who wrote the Time article:

Many of our primate kin are far better fathers than we are (investigators at the California primate center discovered that baby titi monkeys are in the arms of their fathers for as much as 90% of daylight hours); many are far worse. But all are at least consistent within their species. Why does paternal care in our species vary so much?

Girls, and I am calling you girls purposely to piss you off and offend you, I can answer that question and I’m not a brilliant anthropologist. Um, humans are capable of rational thought. And invention. Humans have a soul. And free will. Unlike animals, who go by instinct and basic survival and who will, in fact, eat their own crap. Also, men are not women.

Still, apparently not simple enough for the authors. They suggest you men suck so badly that more than one Dad is needed.

None of this gives modern fathers who neglect their kids an evolutionary pass. Indeed, some studies suggest that even having one full-time dad might not be enough. Among many traditional societies across South America, people subscribe to the folk wisdom that any man with whom a woman has had sex in the 10 months before giving birth makes some biological contribution to the fetus growing inside her. Even the woman’s official husband accepts this, and any possible father is welcome to assist–discreetly–in providing care for the child. Research by anthropologist Steve Beckerman and his team suggests that the optimal number of fathers is two

No thank you! Please, pretending to discuss decisions regarding your child with ONE man is a hard enough pretense to keep up. Two would be a full-time job in itself. Which would mean two Mothers would be needed as well. Hey, are they suggesting polygamy perhaps? If that’s the case, I could maybe get on board. That would be much less work, I suspect.

Until that happens, as a woman who LOVES men and who is an unabashed Daddy’s Girl (I still miss my Daddy daily, even though he’s been gone 12 years now. Even so, he’s still the most important man in my life and the person who most shaped the woman that I am), I wish you all a heartfelt and sincere Happy Fathers Day. Thank you for all that you do. Sincerely and with Love. And breasts.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. June 21, 2009 5:32 pm

    Some people aren’t happy unless they’re unhappy. It is nonsense to fight over which parent is more important, we all have our roles.

    I don’t want to be mom, I like being dad. Happy Father’s Day to all.

  2. snarkandboobs permalink*
    June 21, 2009 10:23 pm

    Precisely! Some forget that men and women, while equal, are DIFFERENT. Moms and Dads have different roles and bring different things to the table, but both are equally significant in the raising of their child.

    Happy Father’s Day, Jack! All the best!

  3. June 23, 2009 3:28 am

    Wow. You’re serious about the snark *and* the boobs. I like a woman with a strict moral code. Keep it up sister!

  4. June 25, 2009 5:32 am

    Hey, this father appreciates it. What could possibly be better than snark, boobs and beer?

  5. June 27, 2009 2:11 am

    Wow! That was a pretty amazing post, thanks. I’m damn happy to be a father and damn proud of both my grown kids. They both seem to think I did a decent job and my daughter is definitely daddy’s girl. She’s headed to Japan for 4 years with her Air Force husband (great guy) and I miss her already. She left on Father’s Day.

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