Happy Mother’s Day; Our Carbon Footprints Are Bigger Than Yours
Last year for Mother’s Day, the London Times ran an article entitled “Having Large Families Is An Eco-Crime!” Exclamation point included. Because it is very serious, you know and we had better listen up!!! (3 for good measure). I, of course, was infuriated by it and held a grudge, thus, the need to reply now in honor of Moms everywhere. I’m also taking advantage while I can of the fact that, as shown by Wanda Sykes and approved by The Press and the President of the United States, death wish jokes are HE-Larious! And “death panels” are totally acceptable:
As usual, it is all Mom’s fault. I knew we’d be blamed for destroying the planet eventually, as we are ALWAYS the one first blamed in any therapy session of some whiner who wasn’t allowed to lick the cake bowl. And Environmentalists are among the biggest whiners of all. Well, I suspected either Moms or George Bush, who seems to be the cause of everything bad in the entire World. I don’t know how he managed it all in between conjuring up tornadoes & hurricanes, arranging to make steel melt which everyone knows is impossible and foreclosing on people’s homes. Not to mention that illegal war for oil.
Our most recent crime? The very act of being a Mother. We Moms are eco-hogs of the first order, apparently. We, by dint of having the utter gall to actually have sex and *gasp* procreate, have carbon footprints the size of Michael Moore’s waistband. (Or Al Gore’s; they are becoming somewhat interchangeable in both mind and girth. And not the good girth). According to the “think tank” called Optimum Population Trust (What?), on whose report the article was based. Their co-chairman, John Guillebaud, an emeritus professor of family planning (again, what? I think I’ll start calling myself Professor Emeritus of Remembering to Take a Pill or Professor Emeritus of Knowing How to Roll Down a Condom) at University College London, said:
“The effect on the planet of having one child less is an order of magnitude greater than all these other things we might do, such as switching off lights. An extra child is the equivalent of a lot of flights across the planet. The greatest thing anyone in Britain could do to help the future of the planet would be to have one less child.”
Um, OK, whiner. I only have one child and I intend on keeping her, but thank you very much for passing judgment and intruding into my life uninvited, Mr. Guillebaud. I also do not “fly across the planet” so I think I should be exempt. How about this? I propose, to lower total carbon output of course, that you, sir, be boiled in a vat of your own urine. To borrow a phrase from Kevin Godlington, who first proposed the idea for dealing with Rosie O’Donnell. Still apropos I believe, as Rosie, like Mr. Guillebaud, is a waste of breath (and therefore greenhouse gases) and a man. Wait, I take that last part back. That is an unwarranted insult to men.
In fact, throw your fellow whiners Leonardo DiCaprio, Laurie David, Al Gore and Janeane Garofalo into the vat as well. And Robert Gibbs just because he annoys the hell out of me. That will offset the carbon emissions of my entire immediate family and then some. There! Mommy made it all better!