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Happy Mother’s Day; Our Carbon Footprints Are Bigger Than Yours

May 10, 2009

Last year for Mother’s Day, the London Times ran an article entitled “Having Large Families Is An Eco-Crime!” Exclamation point included. Because it is very serious, you know and we had better listen up!!! (3 for good measure). I, of course, was infuriated by it and held a grudge, thus, the need to reply now in honor of Moms everywhere.  I’m also taking advantage while I can of the fact that, as shown by Wanda Sykes and approved by The Press and the President of the United States, death wish jokes are HE-Larious! And “death panels” are totally acceptable:

As usual, it is all Mom’s fault. I knew we’d be blamed for destroying the planet eventually, as we are ALWAYS the one first blamed in any therapy session of some whiner who wasn’t allowed to lick the cake bowl. And Environmentalists are among the biggest whiners of all. Well, I suspected either Moms or George Bush, who seems to be the cause of everything bad in the entire World. I don’t know how he managed it all in between conjuring up tornadoes & hurricanes, arranging to make steel melt which everyone knows is impossible and foreclosing on people’s homes. Not to mention that illegal war for oil.

Our most recent crime? The very act of being a Mother. We Moms are eco-hogs of the first order, apparently. We, by dint of having the utter gall to actually have sex and *gasp* procreate, have carbon footprints the size of Michael Moore’s waistband. (Or Al Gore’s; they are becoming somewhat interchangeable in both mind and girth. And not the good girth). According to the “think tank” called Optimum Population Trust (What?), on whose report the article was based. Their co-chairman, John Guillebaud, an emeritus professor of family planning (again, what? I think I’ll start calling myself Professor Emeritus of Remembering to Take a Pill or Professor Emeritus of Knowing How to Roll Down a Condom) at University College London, said:

“The effect on the planet of having one child less is an order of magnitude greater than all these other things we might do, such as switching off lights. An extra child is the equivalent of a lot of flights across the planet. The greatest thing anyone in Britain could do to help the future of the planet would be to have one less child.”

Um, OK, whiner. I only have one child and I intend on keeping her, but thank you very much for passing judgment and intruding into my life uninvited, Mr. Guillebaud. I also do not “fly across the planet” so I think I should be exempt. How about this? I propose, to lower total carbon output of course, that you, sir, be boiled in a vat of your own urine. To borrow a phrase from Kevin Godlington, who first proposed the idea for dealing with Rosie O’Donnell. Still apropos I believe, as Rosie, like Mr. Guillebaud, is a waste of breath (and therefore greenhouse gases) and a man. Wait, I take that last part back. That is an unwarranted insult to men.

In fact, throw your fellow whiners Leonardo DiCaprio, Laurie David, Al Gore and Janeane Garofalo into the vat as well. And Robert Gibbs just because he annoys the hell out of me. That will offset the carbon emissions of my entire immediate family and then some. There! Mommy made it all better!

7 Comments leave one →
  1. somegit permalink
    May 10, 2009 11:29 pm

    Well …let’s just be honest… You will never be able to get to a point where you can “clean the filth out of society’s bloodlines” and create Utopia on earth by eliminating the people that get in Utopia’s way unless you find elaborate ways to justify it that enough people will believe first…

    Extermination takes time…

    Excellent as always =)

  2. May 11, 2009 5:01 am

    Great blog, as always!

    So, what do these ecoCommies say about other people who are don’t live in America and have lots of wives who have many kids with just ONE hubby? Sounds hypocritical to me! Sounds like THEY are leaving an incredibly huge carbon footprint!

  3. thiscantwaite permalink
    May 12, 2009 4:51 pm

    I actually read a letter to the editor in our local paper by someone w/ similar ideas. That was especially disturbing because I don’t like to think Euro-trash like that within shooting range of my house.

    Environmentalists like to blather on about how the best things are organic or natural. What’s more organic or natural than the biological female instinct to create, love and nuture offspring. I’m no scientist, but I think I heard that reason for that instinct is propelling the species to live after you’re gone.

    Maybe all human life isn’t equal. It’s to bad we can’t tell the good from the bad until long after they learn to talk.

    Assholes.

    • thiscantwaite permalink
      May 13, 2009 9:34 pm

      Just had another thinkie. It’s cloudy here today. It’s the perfect weather for eco-fascist to do the right thing for the planet and put their brains on the wall.

  4. Matthew Berg permalink
    May 16, 2009 12:00 pm

    Only one child? Slacker! This planet isn’t going to destroy itself, you know. 🙂

  5. May 19, 2009 2:36 am

    LOL “boiled in a vat of his own urine??” I love it! Linking!😀

    • May 19, 2009 2:42 am

      Thanks, Vince! Just took a quick peek at your site and like what I saw. Will look more full later.

      thanks again,

      Lori

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