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The Corn Ultimatum

October 1, 2008

I’m pulling an ostrich in regards to the financial / political mess that is our World and focusing instead on things that make me only snarkily irked. Thus, Corn issues:

Just say No to Cornbauchery!

According to the University of Iowa Vice President for Student Services, Philip Jones, who canceled last year’s annual corn-on-the-cob eating contest scheduled as part of the “Beat State Week” celebration leading up to the Iowa-Iowa State football game because the corn contest “encourages gluttony,” he said. This week, he reinstated it……..but, only a LAME ASS version. So as to still not “encourage gluttony”, it will be a contest to see who can eat ONE piece of corn on the cob the fastest. SNOOZE. His reasoning:

“I don’t know that anyone can say that’s a healthy concept,” Jones said of the event planned by the U of I Alumni Association. Jones asked his staff to veto eating contests to support new health-conscious initiatives on campus, he said. The corn-on-the-cob contest is not the first to hit the compost pile; a hot dog eating contest planned by the residence halls was also trashed.

Shaun Fraise, an organizer of the Sweet Corn Festival in West Point, Ia., said she doesn’t think a corn-eating contest promotes gluttony. “It’s basically for pure entertainment, that’s why we do it,” she said.

While corn on the cob is clearly a gateway food (hello? Slabs of melted butter?), leading only to a life of trans-fatty obesity, what’s next? What about the “big game” itself? I say no more college football; it clearly promotes violence and petty competition. That move would kill two birds with one stone and all as well, as it would also serve to rid us all of those pesky cheerleaders. Talk about promoting the objectification of women! (Unless they are Conservative women; that would be A-OK then)

I wonder if the Dean includes beer bongs on his list of gluttony banned items? Because I’m fairly certain 90% of the campus will be shit faced, liver-screeching drunk prior to the big game. If they even make it to the game; I suspect most will be passed out in a field somewhere likely sans clothing. Or that may just be me? Ah, good times, good times.

While, admittedly, the sight of a corn eating contest is about as vomit inducing as Keith Olbermann, what, pray tell, is wrong with some good old-fashioned, born in the USA gluttony?

And what about State pride? I went to college in Iowa (Grinnell, yes, the Grinnell College that asked Angela Davis to be Commencement Speaker. No wonder I’m so screwed up) and I can tell you with certainty that their biggest claim to fame is, in fact, Corn. Well, that and the ability of every college kid in the State to cow tip.

A saving grace; thus far, the other 6 deadly sins aren’t under fire. My old friends, lust and sloth, especially. Really, what would be the point of college if lust and sloth were eschewed? What fun is binge drinking without sloppy nookie and the ability to lay about whining and slacking the following day?


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