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Scientists; A Conspiracy Theory

September 3, 2008

If the recent trend of everything-we-told-you-before-was-ass-backwards studies are any indication, scientists are playing a massive hoax on us all. Likely as retribution for being shoved in lockers, atomic wedgies and all that pointing and laughing. This affects ME now, however, as all these studies are confusing my already addled brain.

I imagine scientists, holed up in their little laboratories, shiny slide rules glinting under the fluorescent lights, geekily high-fiving each other’s clipboards……..

For poking fun at my super cool pocket protector, take this!

“The herpes family of viruses can have a surprising upside–it can protect against the bubonic plague and other bacterial contagions, at least in mice.”

That’s right, Herpes isn’t all bad. Herpes can now protect against bubonic plague. …….or so we say…….We could be lying yet again…….your gamble.

( Hmm, Herpes or bubonic plague…..Either oozing sores on my private bits or protection if I ever stumble accidentally upon a time machine, get whisked back to the dark ages to a flea riddled, rat infested hovel and become exposed to bubonic plague. Tough one, but I think I’ll take my chances and not herpes-vaccinate against the plague. )

Remember how we told y’all that wine was actually quite good for you? Not to mention hip and oh so European? That was payback for collapsing with laughter when we asked you to the prom, ladies. Then telling all your friends and giggling like a pack of hyenas every time we scurried by.

“We found after about 4 weeks that breast tumor size almost doubled in mice that drank alcohol compared to control mice given plain water,” Gu (a head geek) noted in a telephone interview with Reuters Health. Moderate alcohol intake also caused a noteworthy increase in tumor blood vessels compared with no alcohol intake.”

Whoops! Our bad. Sort of like how we convinced y’all that birth control pills were a way to “empower women”. Ah, that was a classic. We conveniently neglected to mention the blood clots and stroke deal.

And guess what? We know how to harness the alcohol growth phenomenon in blood vessels and apply it to a man. An alcohol viagra cocktail. But, we are keeping the information to ourselves. So you women will continue to suffer and you men will face continued humiliation by having the opposite occur when you over-indulge.

And the thin is good thing? Yet another lie. Payback to you, Jocks, for stealing our lunch money daily. It was all a ruse; fat men really are happy. 42% happier, to be exact and 42% less likely to commit suicide. (or something like that. Percentages are hard. That’s math! All you really need to know is Fat = Jolly). Oh, we’ve had many a snicker at your expense; all you jocks falling for the working out and keeping fit and trim scam. It was a Vast Dork Wing Conspiracy of evolutionary cleansing….

Sadly, those scenarios are the only conclusions that I can draw. It must be true; there is absolutely no other reason for all these contradictory studies. Science can’t be that hard, can it? Not to mention the most recently released study. Scientists claim they can now cure baldness. How, you ask? By inflicting massive HEAD WOUNDS.

“Mice with deep skin wounds can grow new hair, scientists said on Wednesday in a finding that offers hope for a baldness remedy for humans.”

Conspiracy? You decide.

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