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Ted Turner & Hooch

August 25, 2008

All signs are pointing to an upcoming stint in rehab for one Mr. Ted Turner. It has become quite apparent that he is dipping rather heavily into the hooch. And not in a good way, as made evident recently by his assertion that Fox News is to blame for the Iraq War. (Click on the link to read the entire transcript; It is worth the read!) Yes, according to Ted Turner, the Iraq War is really “Rupert’s War”.

QUESTION: You’re also opposed to the Iraq war.

TURNER: I’ve become very antiwar. I don’t think the way to accomplish things is to bomb people. All that does is make them angry. That causes insurgent movements and so forth. It’s easy to start wars, hard to stop them.

QUESTION: I know that you think Fox News helped fan the flames of this war.

TURNER: Well, they did. This is Rupert’s war.

Further, Teddy boy claims that it is GOOD that North Koreans are all starving to death. You see, thin is in; it’s the new black. And much healthier! If you are starving, then you can’t possibly be partaking of the twin evils, trans fats or corn syrup. That’s good! Even more importantly, if you are dirt poor and emaciated to the point where you are literally eating tree bark, then you obviously can’t afford the evil death sticks commonly known as cigarettes. No second-hand smoke in North Korea! Suffice it to say, they thus have the upper hand when it comes to moral authority.

QUESTION: What was North Korea like?

TURNER: I had a great time there! I was there last year. They were nice to me. There weren’t a lot of fat people walking around. They were all thin. And being thin is healthier than being fat.

QUESTION: You don’t see North Korea as a threat?

TURNER: Awwh! Their economy is not as big as Cleveland, Ohio! Does Cleveland, Ohio, pose a threat to the U.S.?

Also, clearly he is correct (if one is also suffering from severe alcohol induced dementia) to be more worried about HIS OWN COUNTRY than, say, Iran. We Americans are capitalistic, patriarchal, homophobic, racist, war mongering, fascist pigs and all. You know, unlike Iran where women are put on pedestals……to be stoned to death. For walking down the street unescorted, for one. Yeah, that is much less scary evil than America, where women gain the same successes as men in every segment of society, including positions of power in the Government (you know, Ted, those who control our dangerous arsenal of nukes). Man, we currently have a woman running for President to boot. Well, an alleged woman, at least.

And we mustn’t forget the “peaceful” way homosexuals are treated in Iran. Sure, here you sometimes need to stay in the closet longer than desired, but there you need to stay in the steel encased, 6 foot thick panic room. Forever.

Teddy, you are horrendously wrong about something else as well, no matter how you spin it:

They believe if they die in warfare, they get forty virgins in heaven. The Christians don’t get that! We have more incentive to live, because we don’t know what we’re getting, you know? Our idea of heaven is lots of hymns, and theirs is lots of sex! The risk-reward thing is skewed the wrong way.

Um, the Islam Virgin deal really isn’t so great. (Though, Ted’s confusion is understandable; having been married to Jane Fonda would likely make someone look forward to sweet, sweet death. ) They have to martyr themselves and DIE before they can have sex. With humans, at least. While we can fornicate all we want while still ALIVE. Sure, some have to then run to confession and all, forced to maybe do a couple of Hail Marys, but some of us (Protestant, like I) don’t even need to do that. We have a free ride! In more ways than one, thankfully.

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