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Don’t Shoot the Messenger….Unless He’s On a Bike

August 3, 2008

I love Summer. The sun, the beach, the lakes, the fact that the tank top and shorts weather means that I never have to pump my own gas. But now that Summer is in full force, I am reminded of my least favorite part of the season. The bicyclists.

I loathe bicyclists with an unhealthy passion that is almost on par with my nearly all-consuming dislike of Barak Obama. I’ve yet to run across one on the road who wasn’t either a horrendous example of a poser, outfitted to a ridiculous T and loaded to the gills with equipment while pedaling around suburban cul de sacs with 8 year olds whizzing past them on big wheels or else they were true a**holes with intolerably rude and holier than thou attitudes. Dude, I wouldn’t be so smug and self-righteous if I were you…..I can see your pathetically dinky junk, and I use that term extremely loosely, in your spandex shorts. Small man’s complex ?

Of course, that could just be my limited frame of reference. No offense meant to present company; I’m sure there are some tolerable cyclists out there who wouldn’t engender in me the overwhelming need to try to scare them by pretending to almost run them over. I’m sure if Kevin Godlington cycles, for instance, I’d be able to stomach it. He’d surely say, I imagine (often, sadly), “Pardon” or “Fancy moving out of the way” instead of rudely shoving me off the road. Mostly, though, I’d pay to see him in spandex.

These days, they aren’t just extremely aggravating, but also quite vicious. Especially in Boston (and I thought Massachusetts was one of the most tolerant and “progressive” States, no?). An article I read a while ago describing this new breed of renegade bicyclists is what fully cemented my above opinions and also led to my conclusions that follow. First, the relevant part of the article:

“Confrontations have become increasingly common. Police have been called out so often to resolve angry, and sometimes bizarre, disputes that they have coined a new term. “We have road rage,” said Arlington Police Chief Fred Ryan. “And now we have bikeway rage.”

A bicyclist kicked a Jack Russell terrier and yelled at the dog’s owner, “Get the [expletive] over to the right!” as he passed by. There are cyclists in full-body spandex suits, aerodynamic helmets, and titanium bikes that go fast enough to leave roadkill in their wake.

The bikers have this supremacy about them,” said Peter Roy as he slid on a pair of roller blades. “They’re pushing 30-35 miles per hour. They hit us, we’re toast.”

Ah, the old supremacy feeling. The smug is overwhelming. And see what I mean about the ridiculous outfits? WHY necessary for a ride around a TRACK? In the middle of a Park? So, my dislike of cyclists is not unfounded; I feel vindicated. Goody! I look forward to a bunch of new legislation to take care of this crucial problem. I think it may even be A Crisis.

I do believe this is yet another example of the calamity caused by Environmentalism and that Environmentalists are at fault, as usual. If they hadn’t brainwashed everyone into trying to be more enviro-friendly and “green”, we wouldn’t be subjected to this new crime wave. They’d all be in cars and suffering from the far less intrusive road rage. At least with road rage, you are in a 2 ton metal fortress from which to defend yourself. And you have a glove compartment to hold your gun. It’s kind of hard to fit a gun in a fanny pack. Damn Al Gore! Again.

Plus, why ride a bike when you can drive? I don’t even walk INTO my favorite coffee shop any longer. They’ve installed a drive-in window. Now THAT is progress.

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