Robo Crap!

Well, I must be far out of the loop, as I was unaware that man on man action in public restrooms had reached such “crisis” level. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida at least. Mostly because I didn’t realize that George Michael apparently has a home there, which is the only explanation I can imagine for the reason the public restrooms have been rendered Party Central.

Yes, the Government has sunk to a new low. I didn’t think that was possible, but I was wrong. Very, very wrong. As it appears that Fort Lauderdale’s esteemed Mayor is planning to install Robo-crappers in the public restrooms. What are robotic toilets, you ask? They are toilet stalls rigged to have the door OPEN UP on you while in the midst of elimination if it deems you are taking “too long”. Yes, if you overstay your welcome, the door will open up and leave you exposed for all the world (or at least the restroom and possibly youtube if a camera phone is in the vicinity. Or google street views) to see. Why necessary, you may ask? Oh, too much elicit fornication in bathroom stalls, you see. Allegedly. Worse; the gay kind! Gasp!

Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jim Naugle says his city has a problem with “homosexual activity” in public restrooms and he has a plan to stop it – robotic toilets that allow occupants to stay inside for only a short time before the door automatically opens.

“We’re trying to provide a family environment where people can take their children who need to use the bathroom without having to worry about a couple of men in there engaged in a sex act,” Naugle told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel…..

Fort Lauderdale police officials said male sex in public restrooms is no longer a problem, but Naugle insists the practice persists and has used recent public meetings and e-mails to constituents to raise the issue.

Public restrooms are pickup places for “homosexuals. … They’re engaging in sex, anonymous sex, illegal sex,” he said.

Quick aside……uh, the police say it isn’t a problem at all, yet the Mayor insists “Oh, yes it is!” HOW would he know? Personal, first-hand knowledge? Methinks he doth protest too much. Not to mention he describes the Sex quite breathlessly and excitedly while repeating the word sex several times in one sentence.

Naugle said the proposed location for the city’s first experimental unit is “the rainbow parking lot” at a local beach considered by some to be the area’s “gay beach.”

“The homosexual newspaper said it’s the ‘gay parking lot.’ That’s not me saying that,” Naugle told the Sun-Sentinel, “that’s what they said. I don’t use the word ‘gay.’ I use the word ‘homosexual.’ Most of them aren’t gay. They’re unhappy.”

Dean Trantalis, an openly homosexual former member of the City Commission who served with Naugle for three years, welcomes the restrooms at the beach but said the decision should not be made based on whether they will be used for sexual activity.

“I’m not an expert on public toilet sex,” said Trantalis, “but there are those who would say one minute would be enough. Or 30 seconds.”

If approved by the City Commission, the timed toilets will be paid for with property-tax funds.

I’m also rather offended at the obvious discrimination against heterosexuals. Why not target heterosexual sex? We do, you know (or maybe you don’t, Mayor Naugle), at times indulge in a little public nookie. What, we don’t count? And if, like everything else, this is to spare the children, then heterosexual sex is FAR harder to explain away. With homosexual sex, you could say something like “oh, sweetie, he was just giving him the Heimlich” or in the case of some lesbian action, the old “She was just showing that nice lady her new implants” excuse.

It is all pointless anyway, I believe. Because, doesn’t public fornication lend itself more to quickies? Thus, wouldn’t an act of taming the beast publicly often take less time than, err, making a deposit? (Or dropping a deuce, if you prefer). Especially if it is a substantial one or if you had curry for lunch? Along those lines, Mayor Naugle, I have just one question for you. Couldn’t someone (or a couple of someones) simply RE-SHUT the door and continue on with their business? So, how exactly will this stop anything except for actual bodily function bathroom procedures? OK, two questions.