Random Thoughts & Unanswered Questions
Am I the last person in America to notice that whoopee cushions (I don’t know why Fred Savage brings to my mind whoopee cushions, but he does) are now self-inflating? How cool is that! It used to be near impossible to blow them up. First you had to find a pencil or something to pry open the flappy part and then you had to try to blow while hysterically, silently cackling in anticipation of the sound. And will I ever mature and find them NOT funny? I picked one up today (loudly announcing it was for my 4 year old daughter. LIAR!) and had it perched waiting on my husband’s recliner at 1 and he doesn’t even get home until 7. Then slunk around all night, snickering non-stop, casually, strategically placing it everywhere he attempted to sit. (He was not amused. Cranky old man! )
Speaking of men, why are creepy, middle-aged men and militant lesbians so obsessed with my reproductive rights? I have never, not once, woken up thinking “Gee, I hope my reproductive rights are protected today”. What are reproductive rights anyway? Wouldn’t that mean the right to reproduce? I can see that being a concern in say, China, but I’m pretty sure no one is stopping reproduction here. Dannielynn Smith (or is it Birkhead now?) is proof of that.
Which makes me think of rights that I do care about. Smoking bans infuriate me, but New Jersey’s ban in casinos is kind of funny. New Jersey has now forced Atlantic City casinos to go 75% non-smoking, 25% smoking. Why did they choose to make the penny slots the only smoking area? (according to my little brother, who called me from Atlantic City late last night. He was more than a tad inebriated, though.) If second-hand smoke is so deadly, isn’t that then putting our most vulnerable citizens, the poor and the elderly, at great risk? Because they are certainly the only ones playing the penny slots. Even I am not that cheap. Is it an under-handed, yet evil genius, scheme to trim the social security and welfare rolls?
Social Security schemes make me think of our esteemed (cough cough) Government and, thus, the next Presidential election. What’s up with the whole brouhaha over Mitt Romney being Mormon? It’s not like he’s a Jehovah’s Witness. (sorry, Jehovah’s! Was too easy and I’m certain you must be immune to the jokes by now). He won’t send people to ring our doorbells incessantly or force us to read Watchtower tracts. At least I don’t think that’s part of the deal. Plus, I thought Mormonism was kind of hip now after Big Love and all. Personally, I don’t care that he’s Mormon; I won’t vote for him because he is prettier than I and I am just that shallow. And his hair is freakishly perfect.
On the flip side, what’s with Obama-mania? Over what? His only real claim to fame seems to me to be the ability to string together a succession of cliches with a serious expression and without cracking himself up. If that is the criteria, I’m starting my own exploratory committee tomorrow.