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Brian Williams and the Seven Dwarfs: Highlights from the Democrat Presidential Debate

April 28, 2007

Yes, I know there were 8 candidates in attendance, but I am discounting Senator Dodd as irrelevant. So, I’ll concentrate on the other 7. Details may be sketchy because, as some know, I had to invent a drinking game for myself in order to sit through the entire 90 minutes. My rules were to drink each time the phrases “civil war”, “redeployment” or “the American people have spoken” were uttered, which meant that I was fairly trashed before the midway point.

The clear winner to me, albeit through a tipsy haze, was Senator Gravel who played the role of Grumpy. Grumpy, who clearly dislikes all the other candidates and most everything on Earth, and who made that refreshingly apparent, offered 2 of the best lines of the evening. To wit, “Why do we spend so much money on the military? Who are we afraid of?” (by the end of the evening I had amended my personal response to “Um, you?”) and “I feel like a potted plant over here”. Wrong, sir. At least a potted plant creates its own carbon offsets. Or at least I think it does; I’m a little confused by the whole offset/footprint thing. I don’t do well with indulgences.

Kucinich, a close second favorite, played the role of Dopey, as usual, with another good line….”there is no War on Terror”. And he has actually filed Articles of Impeachment papers on VP Dick “Cross me and I’ll take you hunting” Cheney. “Nuff said.

Sleepy was played by John Edwards who appeared to doze off when asked “Who is your moral leader?”. After a full 12 seconds of painful and rather embarrassing silence, he awoke, sadly, to squeak out “uh…..my lord?” (the word Jesus is as taboo as nappy headed ho, apparently) and “oh yeah…. my wife too”. Snooze.

Joe Biden, who usually nearly tears limbs off of Senator Charles “Cheese” Schumer in a battle for camera time, in an ironic twist took on the role of Bashful. In answer to a question with regards to whether or not he’d be able to curb his propensity to windbaggedness (word?) and gaffes, he answered a pithy “yes”. That was pretty much his main contribution for the night.

The Messiah, aka Barak Obama was Happy. Not only because he caused me to drink the most, but also due to the mindless look of blissful ignorance on his face, which matched his answers. He answered almost every question with “the American people have spoken”, “unlike this administration” or “we need non-faulty intelligence”. Hint, Happy: Bush ain’t running again.

Madame Hillary took on Doc. She, admittedly, appeared the most prepared. Which isn’t all that surprising since she’s been an accomplished actress her entire married life. Playing the role of a loving, heterosexual wife and all. Plus, she already knows how to say things like a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy with a straight face.

Governor Richardson was Sneezy, as he simply stood there, slightly trembling yet frozen in place like that overly coked-up guy at every party who stands in the corner with the “Stop looking at me! Why am I here? I want my Mommy” look on his face.

Well, that’s really all you need to know. The rest was excruciatingly insipid with the post-analysis done by Chris Matthews and good old Olby being far more entertaining (Olberman kept talking about the “so-called” War on Terror. Priceless). Next up, the Republican Debate on Thursday. My drinking rules for that one will be to drink each time the phrases “family values”, “I personally hate abortion… But” and “surge” are offered. Luckily, I’ve stocked up on wine.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    April 28, 2007 6:50 pm

    I admire your braveness for watching the entire thing. Perfect analysis.

    “Plus, she already knows how to say things like a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy with a straight face.”

    Lori, you know we are not supposed to talk of the VRWC in a public forum. You could have your membership card taken away!

    For the republican debate don’t forget to drink every time McCain mentions stopping bi-partisan fighting and manages to criticize the republican party. Double-up if Tom Tancredo states he had to run because no other candidate will seriously address immigration, as Duncan Hunter is standing right next to him.

    -Christi

  2. Lori_Z permalink
    April 29, 2007 7:03 pm

    Oh, Chrisi, you are prophetic….McCain yesterday said in the interest of bi-partisanship, he will appoint a Dem to a high cabinet position if he is elected Pres. You called it!

    I picked up an extra bottle of wine, as it appears I will be drinking heavily during the debate.

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