David Letterman: Stupid Petting Tricks Exposed
Wait a minute… The extortion attempt was a few weeks ago? Letterman, and all of Hollywood, should demand that the Extortion dude be released. I mean, it happened so long ago, let it go, right Peggy Yorkin? And, more importantly, he typed some really “artistic” demand letters.
It turns out David Letterman is not just a huge tool, but also a huge cheater. So, Dave, how do you like Schadenfreude now? Hee- HEEEE! I’m curious to know if he did one specific thing with the women he sexually harassed – pre-emptive Whoopi explanation: when someone serially has sex with women with whom they work, as subordinates to him, he is a chronic sexual harasser. A Harasser-Harasser - I want to know if he took them to Yankee games. That would be some DE-licious irony.
Letterman goes on to say that “things would be embarrassing for the women as well.” At first, I thought, “Obviously. The fact that they had sex with DAVID LETTERMAN is totally humiliating. The Shame!” However, it turns out it is far more demeaning than that, which I found out through a tip from an “unnamed source.” This was not a case of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy unfurling its tentacles to reach even bitter, irrelevant hacks. No, it is far more disturbing. Here are the icky details:
The women thought they were simply trying to advance their careers and instead were turned into pawns in Letterman’s sick fetish fantasies. You know his constant and obsessive bashing of Sarah Palin? Well, his mentality is at about the same age-level as his humor; it was a case of the ol’ being a meany pants to the girl you really like-like.
The source reports that Letterman had a stash of Palin wigs and librarian glasses at his home, which the women had to don whilst applying lipstick and saying “Who’s your Hockey Mamma?!?” Then he would pop a DVD of Palin’s convention speech into the player in order to “get in the mood”. Sex, which he called “moose hunting,” was a total No-Go without it. (One woman was quick off her feet and said “Say it Ain’t So, Joe” when the DVD stuck, which totally did the trick.)
Once down to “business”, the women were forced to repeatedly call out “Ride that snow machine, First Dude!” to which Letterman would respond “You Betcha,” in a frenzied pitch. The women soon learned that if they wanted things over quickly, they simply had to throw in a couple of winks to finish the job.
I felt it was my duty to report the details provided by my “unnamed source”, whose name rhymes with Ball Rafer. If I had to suffer hearing them (in an oddly breathless way, to boot), then so shall you all. Misery loves company.
As Letterman’s women sadly learned.
(cross-posted at iOwntheworld.com)
UPDATE: Must read the always super clever Jim Treacher’s
Both Mark Levin and Dennis Miller read it on air today. Except for #2. Which I thought was He-Larious.