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Fairy Tales? Or is it Kiddie Porn?

July 15, 2008

I thought it was about time I shared my theory that Fairy Tales and Children’s books are the true scourge of this Nation. I developed the theory several months ago when the insidious JK Rowling shoved Dumbledore out of the closet.

I desperately tried to think of some clever play on words for a title, but, since I am lame, all I could manage to come up with was something almost as crappy as the Left’s hilarious (Not) Faux Noise. Dumbledore: or is it Bums Adore? See what I mean? Lame. Of course, that doesn’t stop me from saying it.

Anyway, at the time of the big gay Dumbledore shocker, I suspected that the scoop would engender quite a bit of self-righteous indignation and I was not disappointed. Right wing sites immediately started bemoaning the “homosexual agenda” now infiltrating even their beloved Harry Potter. At least those sites that hadn’t already boycotted Harry Potter for his heathen, Wiccan ways. Granted, I did agree with one complaint: it was rather gratuitous to announce it AFTER the series has ended, but whatever. I’m no J.K. Rowling.

On the other side of the spectrum, as also suspected, Left wing sites were giddily whoo whooing over the outing. Wait…….that could be the reason for the posthumous revelation. Those who will be angered by Dumbledore’s being light in the robes have likely already read the book. But those who will be delighted by it probably previously avoided Harry Potter due to that whole good vs evil thing, which any good Progressive knows is just a fallacy. End result: more readers, equaling more sales. Rowling must be a dreaded capitalist! That explains much.

Personally, I don’t know what the big deal is. The fact that Dumbledore was gay was fairly obvious to anyone not painfully slow. Hello? The entire series took place in a British boarding school! Not to mention his penchant for purple robes (just like that flamingly gay telly tubby, Tinky Winky), his “wand” obsession, the constant, blatantly catty sneers at Hermione and Cho at every turn and the fact that his boyhood “friend’ (apparently, with benefits) was just a tad bit too pretty. My only personal concern is that Snape’s heroic mercy killing of Dumbledore will now be considered a hate crime.

Besides which, homoerotica and other themes of an adult nature showing up in children’s stories isn’t new. While Dumbledore does give new meaning to the term Head Master, we all grew up with similar characters and we’re OK. Sort of. Though we apparently must all be gasping our last breaths due to the second hand smoke our parents unknowingly foisted upon us. I am willing to take the time to explain to all those who might be having a fit ; no need to start babbling in tongues just yet. Rest assured, I’m not explaining for any altruistic reason, but for selfish reasons only. I want as many people as possible to read the series so I have something to discuss in which I appear fairly sane and which will hold my attention for at least a few minutes.

Anyway, Dumbledore is hardly the first “alternative lifestyle” character in Kiddie Lit. Um, they are called FAIRY tales. What did y’all think that meant? As for the stories themselves, I’ve listed below a few of the themes that y’all should have ferreted out ages ago. Luckily, you have me to correct your naivety.

Cinderella: Didn’t you ever wonder why 3 grown women were living together? Step-sisters, my ass. Unless if by step-sisters you mean life partners. The reason the glass slipper didn’t fit is because it wasn’t a Birkenstock. And Prince Charming; why would he traipse about the countryside checking out chicks’ feet rather than attending luncheons, fox hunting, shooting quail or whatever the hell Princes do? Clearly, a foot fetishist.

Snow White: An obvious one. She was into midget porn. Though, who isn’t?

Goldilocks. Not only was she into bestiality, but she was a slut. Lolling about in all 3 beds. In ONE afternoon! Sure, bears can be rather enticing (shout out to all my Furries. Holla!), but that’s just excessive.

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee: Come on. The names alone are self-explanatory.

And don’t even get me started on Grimm’s Fairy Tales. The Twelve “Brothers”? The Mouse, the Bird and the “Sausage”? The Singing Bone? Gay. Gay. And Gay.

I am convinced we need to put the straight back into all fairy tales. And I’m willing to help out; for the children and all.

I suggest the following:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phallus
Sin-darella (groan)
Ho White and the Seven Schlongs
Goldic*cks

For a start.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    December 29, 2010 3:10 pm

    Your an asshole

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